Dr. Bill Gets A Free Breakfast

I got an email the other day from Bob Evans, well not exactly Bob Evans, but Bob Evans Restaurants, promising me that I could get a free breakfast by just sending them my email and zipcode. (Nothing else, no surveys, other offers, or having my name sent to other
email lists that would absolutely drive me crazy.)

So, bada-bing, bada-boom, I send it in and seconds later, I get a coupon for a free breakfast, if I buy another breakfast. It's the old "2 for the price of 1," with a new hairdo and makeup. Nothing wrong with that. It shows how we've evolved (or something).

Then, I discover 2 things. The first is: The closest Bob Evans is a thirty minute drive, which is 20 minutes too far, for breakfast. And the second thing is: The coupon expires while I'm out of town. So now, my day is shot to hell, because I'm in possession of a worthless freebie. But I still hold Bob Evans in high regard for sending it (a deal is a deal, these days) and they couldn't possibly know what my travel schedule is.

Then, I got a note from a friend, about a situation I had described to him, and this was his somewhat laconic reply: "If you're looking for sympathy...you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."

It took a minute for that to sink in, then I burst out laughing. I sent a note back, recommending a children's book for him, "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence."

The whole morning scenario brought to mind one Homer J. Simpson, Springfield bon vivant and philosopher extraordinaire, who once shrieked, "Books are useless! I only read one book in my entire life, "To Kill a Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure, it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin...but what good does that do me?"

A 72 year old youngster, who purchased my MegaRex Formula, sent this joke to me yesterday, which I had heard before, but it's worth telling again.

"An 80 year old man goes into the confessional at St. Vincents and and tells the priest:

"Father...I'm an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night, I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son...when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old guy says, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old guy says, "Not just you Father...Hell, I'm telling
everybody!"